ROGER "FLESH ROCKET" CLEMENS

I love Pittsburgh and our fans. I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Pirates get swept interleagally by the f'n Yank Offs. I even saw them lose the game of Roger Clemens' return (even though the game was tied 3-3 when he left). But this dude brought up my spirits when he took off his Steelers jersey to reveal this shirt. If the visual metaphor doesn't explain itself, it said "FLESH ROCKET" on the back. So, thanks 'Burgh dude. Welcome back to an Asshole in Pinstripes. And training camp is just around the corner.

I'm Roger Clemens My Penis Hurts

"Waaaah! Waaah! Wah! Wah! I'm Roger Clemens. My pee pee hurts. I can't pitch a baseball even though I'm being paid 8 billion dollars to do so. Wah! My penis hurts. I can't play. It's my penis. My penis hurts. OW! Stop looking at my penis! It hurts. I'm 45. I haven't crapped in 12 days. It is hurting my penis. OW! My penis!"

- Roger Clemens

(Originally posted on JackieClarke.net)

Cheat-Rod

Does that remind anyone of something?


What a tool-beater.

Clemens is a disgrace

With all the media clamoring about what a savior Roger Clemens is going to be for the Yankees, I think they are all missing out of the fact that he is disgracing the game of baseball. For all of my gripes with baseball, one thing that I have always loved is the team concept. No one player able to carry a team to a championship, and it is shown every year. Barry Bonds is undoubtedly the best batter of his generation, but he has never won a ring because he teams were never good enough. However, for all those Bonds bashers out there, I do applaud him for never giving up on his team. He has never demanded a trade or jumped from team to team searching for a one year paycheck. Bonds has committed to his team and that should be commended.

Clemens is the lowest of the baseball lows at this point. He is nothing more than a hired gun, who holds teams in need of a top line pitcher hostage until they give into his demands. This is devaluing the belief in teamwork, and consequently putting himself above the game. Clemens will not have to travel with the team on days he is not pitching, nor did he have to go through spring training with the guys; these are the times that the World Series are won! Games are won here and there, but championships are won by coming together as a team from day 1. Clemens does not seem to get that, nor do the teams in trouble, but can you blame the team.

A team like the Yankees needed a quick fix to jump back into the playoff race, and there is no guy better out there than Clemens, but that does not make it right. Clemens is setting up a bad standard for the future of baseball in this world of free agency. There will no doubt be ring chasers signing on for one last shot at glory late into the season, and you can thank/blame Roger Clemens for this.

Scoop Jackson has a great article on this on ESPN.Com today
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/070516&sportCat=mlb&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab1pos2

Tom Brady is not smart

Dumping your pregnant girlfriend is ok, this is not.

TOM BRADY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Tim called to tell me that Tom was spotted in a Yankees cap and I picked up the message right before I went into an audition and I thought, "why would Tim try to ruin my audition by telling me that?"

This is simply unacceptable. I know Tom is a genius quarterback and will be my ex-husband someday. But I am thinking he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed.

You get one chance, Tom. Then you get a spanking!

(Originally posted on JackieClarke.net)

Yankees Love Rape

A friend of mine who happens to be a Yankee fan (I know, disgusting, but it is a product of living in NYC - this person happens to be a Yankee and a Cowboys fan so his seat is waiting for him in the pits of hell) sent me this joke:

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered an unconscious, nude woman. Out of respect and propriety, the Yankees fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Blue Jays fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed over her nether region. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his investigation.

First, he lifted up the Yankees cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down a few notes. Next, he lifted up the Blue Jays cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down some more notes.

Then he lifted up the Red Sox cap, looked, replaced it, scratched his head, lifted it again and looked, replaced it, thought for a minute then lifted it again, looked and finally replaced it before writing down some notes. The Red Sox fan was getting a little upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something! Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I'm simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Red Sox cap I find an asshole."

There are a lot of things wrong with this joke. First of all, not funny. Jokes should make people laugh. Not a laugh to be found in this joke. If we learned anything from Imus's racist rumblings about the Lady Rutgers we have learned that if your defense is that "I made a joke" the comment needs to be funny.

Second, why would a Red Sox fan be hanging out with a Blue Jays fan and a Yankees fan? How the hell did the Blue Jays end up in this stupid joke? What did they do? Why are they being punished? Obviously the Yankees and the Red Sox have an epic rivalry but the Blue Jays? They are Canadian. Who cares about them? This is a clear case of "we need another team and I like birds...Blue Jays." Lazy joke telling.

But the real rub of this joke is that it is a RAPE JOKE! Only a Yankees fan would think it is cool to laugh at a nude woman on the side of the road. I found a cat on the side of the road once and guess what? IT WAS DEAD. I've seen "Law and Order SVU" I know nude girls on the side of the rode have been raped and murdered.

When I read that joke all I could think about were the 4 hookers killed in Atlantic City a few months back. I imagined this fantasy world where a Yankees fan, a Red Sox fan and a Blue Jays fan decide to ride down to AC and get a $4 blow-job. On the way to a shit-bag motel they happen upon a dead nude girl. The Red Sox fan and the Blue Jays fan are truly disturbed and contemplate how fragile life is. The Yankees fan thinks, "This is funny!"

Shame shame shame Yankees. Shame.

(Originally posted on JackieClarke.net)